letting it out

I've had a lot on my mind lately and its really eating me up, I don't know when or if I'll ever post this. However I figured instead of it continually stabbing me in the heart I'd put it in words & maybe that would help. Get it off my chest if you will.

Have you ever had that one person that just rubbed you the wrong way. They may have never really done anything "to you." But yet you just can't seemed to really "get them." Once I get to know you I am pretty open, honest and will do just about anything for my friends. If we don't click we don't and just go our way from there. It does take me a while to really open up to someone, trust them & be myself around them but once I do there is that potential for a life long friendship. The road my not always be a walk in the park but there is always a shining star at the end. There is just this one person that for one reason or another (that I've yet to figure out) I just can't bring myself to click with. We aren't even in the same state so it's not like I have to see or interact with them yet it still gets me down.

I can't seem to put into words my feelings or reasoning, all I know is it really gets to me. I'm not sure if this person even knows how much it hurts me. I know things will only get harder over the next 2-3 years and still there wont be anything I can do about it. I suppose I just have to stay strong, be myself and continue to show the people I carry close to my heart the reasons I love them and why they are so special to me. In hopes that, that will keep us together, keep the knots tight with out any loose strings.

I'm not sure if its because we have been at our new duty station for a bit now and I've still yet to make a single friend. Maybe it's because I'm not totally in love with the way things are here in SC and I'm letting that get to me and so I'm taking everything a bit more to heart. Then again these feelings aren't something that just came up. They have been there for a while now and I just continued to keep them to myself.

In the back of my head I tell myself that as long as I have Gabe in my life and we are together that's all I need. However I know that's not true, in a way it is but I still need my girls & I hope that they will always need me. Though distance may be between us or even separated by the deep blue sea the bonds we built I will always carry close to heart. Maybe its knowing and seeing that those people I hold close to me are also building bonds like we did with others. The fear of being forgotten, left out or replaced is what scares me the most.

What if I become not needed to them any more because they have someone else to turn to, you know since we aren't in the same place. Not being a part of there life as I have been for years will be devastating. Being the first person they turn to when something good or bad happens is a great feeling, what if they have a "new someone else" and I'm 2ND or last. I knew moving back to the Mainland would be hard but I had know clue it would have been this hard. Some days I wish we would have been able to stick with our first orders issued by the Army. Then we would be in OK close to the friends & family were now we are miles away from them. For some reason it seemed different in Hawaii I don't know what it was, maybe because it almost seemed to be a different world. Being back on the Mainland has been a big adjustment for me and its not setting well. Hawaii is home, we built such a wonderful life there & made some fabulous friends. Some of those friends that I know we will always be there for each other, the best of friends and then others were we may drift apart over time. That's life as much as it hurts and as hard as it is there's nothing we can do about it.

I can only hope as things continue on over the next few years that I don't allow this person to get me down. I can't let this person walk over me or the relationships I've built. I can't say that I will ever really let this person into my life. I think what is done is history, I can only move on from here. I can forgive and forget but something things are beyond that, even if there was never anything "done" in my heart I feel as if there was.

You know that moment when your in Jr. High or High school, you find out your classmate who you though was a "friend" turns out to seal your best friend or your boy friend the minute you were no longer in the same class. All along they said that's not what they were trying to do they have a BF of their own but bam the second you were no longer in the picture they stepped in and were quite to take your place. It's heart breaking, almost like a piece of you is missing now.

I have many people in my life I would call "friends" but I have fewer people in my life that I would call "true friends". You know the ones that will ALWAYS be there for you no matter...... how long its been since you have seen each other, talked to one another, the miles between you. Your true friends are the ones that will be there when you are at your worst and tell you, you look beautiful. Your friends will be there to get you & them to the next day. I feel that I have figured out who is who in my world. I have to say I'm grateful for each and everyone of them and I have grown and learned a lot from both sides.

As I was sitting here blogging this evening I received a text from a friend who sadly enough for her can relate as well. And is in the same situation that I am, this person said it really simple by saying "I think I will always be jealous of people that get to spend time with my family & friends". Maybe that's just it I'm just jealous that this person gets to spend time with someone I can't. It's the price we pay living the army life with the one we love.

blood dose not make you a family

For my dear Sweet Friend.....
...after 4 years & 3 1/2 months of struggling, trying, praying, crying, hoping, wishing that she would be able to make her husband a father, herself a mother. There parents grandparents and so much more.
I see her more and more these past few months not giving up but almost putting the thought of that aside. They are now looking into Adoption and I know that this truly is the last thing that she wanted. I know more than anything in the few short years that I have known them that the path they have walked over the last four years has been the hardest struggle of her life (and her husbands).
I believe she understands that God has already planned out our path we will walk through life but, letting that set in and coming to reality is hard for her.
I can not begin to imagine what she has been through and how she feels deep deep down inside. The girl has some amazing strength to get up out of bed each day and face the world every step she walks.

I just wanted to give her some encouraging words and thoughts of strength to help the both of them go through this next faze of their life. I believe it takes a strong person to be a mommy but a even stronger person to be a mommy to a child that she adopts and I know that one day soon she will be able to do just that.



(keeping you in our thoughts and prayers each and every day)
ps: you know who you are :) love you babe!!!



“Adoption is when a child grew in its mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.”

“Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.”

“However motherhood comes to you it’s a miracle.

"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life."

"If a child is raised in a home that is loving and nurturing, where there is complete truth about who we are, you can’t give a child any greater place from which to fly."

"Every baby needs a lap.”

"It is not flesh and blood but the heart
which makes us mother and daughter.

“I didn’t give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it had been so.
For us to have each other
Is like a dream come true.
No, I didn’t give you The gift of life,
Life gave me the gift of you.”

A Renewed Love

Today we had the Joy of being apart of Jamie & Anthony's vowel renewal ceremony. It has been 9 years since the two of them first joined hearts together as one and to end their journey here in Hawaii and everything they have been through in the Army they decided to renew their love to one another.
It was extra special for us because they asked Jared to do the ceremony. (yes, he is certified to preform them, him & a buddy of his took a online course awhile back so technically they both can marry people. crazy I know)I was a bit nervous and biting my tongue as he was coming up with what he was going to say. However he has a way with words. This is the guy that came up with his own vowels on the spot of our wedding and they were breath taking.


The event was held on the other side of the island near Kaneohe it was small only a few of their closest friends were invited and their oldest daughter held the rings on a pillow for them as Jared did the ceremony. After a few tears and some laughter of a Jewish joke that Jared played on them by having them step on a light bulb (glass)that was in a pot holder for good luck. As we all said "Mazel Tov" as they did this. It is good luck in the Jewish religion to do this after a couple is married. However none of us their are Jewish it is a on going joke that is always some how thrown into the conversation of everything. They kissed and were pronounced as Mr. & Mrs. Stevens once again. It was so sweet and I was so choked up, just watching my very own husband do such a touching thing for two of his friends.



We hung out for a bit, took a few pictures, played at the beach with the kiddos that were there and then everyone parted ways.

Gabe & I headed downtown to Waikiki to meet Jamie & Anthony with their girls for dinner. We were planning on eating at the Cheese Cake Factory (one of my all time favorite places to go), however when we got there & ran into one of the guys in Gabe's company we quickly changed our mind after he told us it was a 2 hour wait. At this point it was almost 8:00pm and that would mean we wouldn't get a table till almost 10:00pm NO WAY that wasn't going to work.
I called down the street to Tikis Bar & Grill and lucky for us there wasn't a wait at all. We had a wonderful dinner, but there was still one surprise left for Jamie that she had no idea about, but Gabe & I did. Anthony had rented a hotel room for them for the night there at Tiki's & we were going to watch their girls for them. Seeings they are staying with us right now it wouldn't be to bad at all. So once we finished dinner we headed back to their car, got the little ones car seat and walked over to our car to get their luggage. At this point Jamie is still a bit confused and dose not get what is going on. HEE HEE it was so funny.
It wasn't until later that night after we had left with the girls that she finally figured it out.
It was such a great ending to a wonderful day for the two of them. We are both blessed to have them as our friends & are going to miss them so much when they move back home next week. :(

Happy Birthday LOVE!!!

The morning started off on a good foot, and the day just keeps getting better & better. Today is my Love's birthday and well last night he & his buddy Jason had CQ at the company area, lucky for them both they have today off. HIS BIRTHDAY!!!!

Last night I totally vegged out & cleaned up the house a bit (not that its ever in a mess or dirty)& got his gifts together on the front table for when he came home.
I work up some what early this morning thanks to the dog, and was down stairs messing around on the computer when I looked at the time & thought "I should take the guys donuts since its Gabe's bday". I new just were to go get his favorite ones to. At the Shoppette, Strawberry iced. So off Dingo & I went (yes yes, i took the dog to wish Gabe a happy bday morning) to the shoppette, we grabbed a few donuts & some for Jason to and a Rock Star for my love and headed up to the company area.
He had no idea that I was coming & I hadn't talked to him yet this morning it was only 7:00am so it was gonna be a super surprise.
As we headed up stairs Dingo was greeted by a old co-worker of Gabe's, Erik a quick Hello and then off we went to the training room. There he was sitting my poor Love so so tired from being up all night, but as soon as he saw me walk in it was like he was so awake and happy and surprised to see me there. After loving on Dingo for a bit giving him his breakfast & one of his gift's (a $50.00 gift card to game stop) I headed back home, he still had another 2 hours of work & then he would be off for the next 3 days YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally my boo was home, greeted at the door by Dingo and then rushed in to see the rest of his goodies. On top of the $50.00 game stop gift card I had already given him this morning I also got him the PLAYSTATION Eye (which is a super awesome web cam. we can use on the TV, so yes it benefits me as well lol) and a new game Nightclub Los Angeles. He was so happy he has wanted the camera for awhile now & the game he enjoyed playing it at a friends house so I new it would go over well. Off to shower and bed he went to rest up for a night on the town. Poor thing was pooped after a long long day at work.


After a nice long nap, Gabe decided to get up & well if you know him at all I'm sure you know just what he did when he got up. He opened up the PS3 Eye cam. & set it all up. Its so neat, I'm just as excited about it as he is. (we have a friend who's birthday is coming up & now we know just what to get them) And of course he put in the new game to play. Boy's & their toys, he is so funny when he plays because he gets all in to it & if he dies or looses he gets so mad and starts complaining & yelling at the TV. That's when I step in & remind him that it is just a game.

Shortly after playing a bit of PS3 we got dresses and headed downtown to Waikiki to meet up with Jamie & Anthony of course. Whats a dinner with out then :), we all met up at Red Lobster. I was starving and couldn't wait to dig in to some yummy food. Thankfully there was no wait and we were able to get right in. WOW, a Friday night in HNL that's not normal.

We stuffed our faces with appetizers & their yummy biscuit's and salad, when the main course came I was starting to get full already but that wasn't gonna stop me. I ordered their Cajun Chicken Pasta....I know I know chicken at a sea food restaurant well I don't eat sea food. We had all talked about dessert before & how good they looked but once it came time to order we were all way to full to even try. However whats a birthday with out a little sweet treat. So we broke down and order 3 different desserts to share around the table. OMG, at this point I am so overly stuffed, but every thing was oh so so good. I don't like sea food but boy do I love Red Lobster. Gabe just enjoyed every bit of it and finished off one of the desserts all on his own.


We decided to head back to post and meet up with some other friends who were up at the bowling alley and play a game or two. When we got there I had no intention of playing I was just going to watch and visit that was my plan and I stuck to it. Some how someone talked my love in to playing. Once he got started you could see it he was having so much fun. It was his birthday, we were together, and hanging out with some of his close friends that he has here in Hawaii.




After a round of cosmic bowling we decided to call it a night and every one parted ways and headed home.
It truly was a magical day and I am so happy that we will be spending all of our birthdays together from here on out. I couldn't imagine it any other way.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE, YOU ARE MY WORLD AND I LOVE YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART,
ALWAYS AND FOREVER AND THENSOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE COMPLETE Each other & we have found a Love that is ever lasting!!!!

MY LOVE & ME!!!

OMG!! what a day

It started off as a early morning, I was hoping once Gabe left for PT I would easily be able to fall back asleep like I normally do. Little did I know that wouldn't happen.
Dingo was going crazy and was just not sleepy any more & just wanted to play. There was no point in putting him on the floor, seeings he can jump up on our bed now. If I put him in his kennel he would just bark his head off. hug, finally he settled down & I was able to fall back asleep for a bit.
Gabe got home really early from PT & I was surprised to see him, but when he told me he had to turn right around and leave because he had one of his soldiers with him & he had to take him to Tripler. Blah, fine. So at this point there really is no point in going back to bed because I had to be at the occupational health clinic by 9am anyhow.
So I take the dog down stairs to go out and in the mean time I check my cell phone to see if anyone had called or text and I'll tell you what, there was like 5 or 6 missed calls from Angela (Angela= best friend back in TX who has my dog Chloe till we return to the mainland). Ummmmm, I thought this is strange, I wonder whats going on. So I listen to my messages & come to find out my lil. Chloe was out in the backyard when a thunder storm rolled through TX this morning and managed to sneak her way out under the fence. At this point I am almost in tears sitting on the stairs listening to the voicemail. OMG, I though. I quickly called Ang. back and thank goodness she was found. Poor Angela and her son were out walking in the rain going house to house looking for Chloe. When it dawned on Ang. to call the vet. They had already been notified that Chloe was found and safely waiting her ride home. She managed to make her way down to a Chase Bank near I-20 & New York which is a good ways from Angela's house. I couldn't believe it. I was just so thank full that the lady that found her took the time to call the vet and that I have such an amazing friend like Ang. that would do anything for me. She truly is My Best Friend and I'm so blessed to have her in my life.
After I heard about that whole ordeal. I was so caught up with everything going on and I was on the phone with another friend back in TX Adena. When I realized I didn't shut the laundry room door. I heard dingo ripping the paint off the wall again in the laundry room. Yes, again. The crazy dog like to chew on stuff and the wall just happens to be one of those things. AAAHHHHH, this was not starting off to be a very good morning. I quickly toss him in the kennel and head up stairs to get dressed to leave.
Because of my new job being employed by the military and working with kids its a bit more work to get started. I had to go in today for blood work and get a TB test. I was so not looking forward to it at all. I HATE needles so so so much, but I had to do it. Almost 2 hours later I was done and back home. I let the dog out and noticed some water on the floor around the washer so I bent down to clean it up and when I stood up I hit the top of my head right on the corner of the shelf that is hanging above the washer on the wall. OMG, did I freak out or what. I started bawling my head off it hurt SO BAD. All I could do was stand there and hold my head. I took my hand down for a moment and noticed that it was covered in blood. At this point I am panicking like crazy, my head is bleeding and is pounding like no other.
I called Gabe and I don't know how but he managed to calm me down enough to find out what the heck was going on and then I hear him tell some of the guys he works with that he has to go. He doesn't ask, he tells them "Hey guys I have to go my wife just had a accident and it sounds bad, I will call you and let you know whats going on when I get home."
He talked to me the whole way home, luckily we live less than 5 minutes from the company area so he was home in a split second. He was so worried when he got here trying to figure out what happen and how and making sure I was okay.
There was just a small gash on the top of my head and some blood but everything was ok, it still hurt like crazy but having him there to look at it and make sure I was ok was just amazing. He ended up staying home for the next 2 hours and fixed lunch for us and just sat with me to make sure I didn't fall asleep or things didn't get any worse.
I am so lucky to have such an amazing husband who is so loving and so caring so drop everything and rush home to make sure I am ok. I don't know what I would do with our him in my life. He takes such good care of me and spoils me soooo much. I Love him to death.
It was not my morning at all, it wasn't even noon yet and it was already a eventful day. Thankfully Gabe was home from work by 3pm and we spent the rest of the day just the two of us. We made our way around the track with Dingo and came back home for some dinner. Nights like to night are the best. I love you Gabe and thank you so much for always being there for me.

And They Lived Happily Ever After.....

Yesterday, we had the Joy of being apart of a very special event. The marriage of Eric & Marissa two of the sweetest people. What started off as a early morning just continued into the evening. After watching the sun rise we rush home to get ready for the wedding which started at 11:00am, however since my love was one of the grooms men we had to be there at 10:00am.

As we headed over to the other side of the Island what seemed like a forever drive we finally made our way to Bellows Air Force Base were the ceremony was going to take place.



It was set up so pretty, very small only 28 people including guest and the wedding party, yet elegant and simple. Just what you would imagine for a beach wedding. The Groom wore Khaki pants and a black button up & the 4 grooms men wore Khaki pants with a white button up and of course flip flop. (a must for a beach wedding.) Talking to Eric making sure he didn't turn around and see Marissa coming out of the limo in her dress, which mind you was so pretty. He was telling me about being excited about the wedding and looking forward to the next journey in their relationship.

It was a first for Gabe and I for many reason's. One we were finally attending a wedding together (that wasn't our), it was the first time that he had to walk down the aisle with another person other than me :( and well of course our first beach wedding and it was in Hawaii.

As we took our seats, I sat with some of Eric's cousins whom we had met the night before at the Luau that we all attended. Talk about a good time and some great food and dancer's at that. The Luau was definitely a great way to allow every one to meet and get to know one another.

The music began and down walked the wedding party, the bridesmaids were so pretty in their Topical dresses and the men with the Lei's around their neck. The bride & groom were given lei's for their parents & grandmother which they placed around their neck's. The ceremony was so sweet and very much to the point. And at last they were announced as Mr. & Mrs. Esquivel. As the newly married couple stood near the ocean we all had the chance to walk by and congratulate them and give our love. It was such a Amazing wedding one that I will remember forever.



My poor hubby, he just loves loves his picture taken, LOL and at the wedding I got to sit back and chit chat with Eric's family and make fun for Gabe because he had to listen to the crazy photographer that wanted a picture of the whole wedding party on every inch of the beach were we where. It was so funny I couldn't help but laugh at him.





Once pictures were done Gabe & I took off to get a bite to eat at subway and get a few things done that we needed to before the reception that evening.

Finally back downtown in Waikiki, and after driving around for 10 minutes to find parking we headed off to the reception which was being held at Tiki's Bar & Grill for the ones that attended the wedding. (so another small gathering). The night was still early and we were all chowing down on so delicious food having a great time chit chatting with Eric's family once again. They are some of the sweetest people Gabe and I have ever met, truly open hearted and welcoming us in. (seeing's besides the best man, Gabe & I everyone else there was family. so it truly was a honor that we were apart of this special day.)



The cake was cut & the toasts were made ending what was a great evening with the Newly Wed's and our new friends.


We had such a great time being apart of their special day and Truly do wish Eric & Marissa the Best of Luck in what ever the Future may bring them.

He Has RISEN....

and the Church said "HE HAS RISEN IN DEED".

This past week I have been reminded in so many way's that it was going to be my first Easter Sunday that I would not be attending the Sunday service at the Church I grew up in. (the best church might I add, The Church On Rush Creek) For the last 20 year I was always there and went to the Church wide picnic after. I always loved going to church but on the holidays CRC always went over board and it was the best. The message is always the best part of course. Sitting there listen to Pastor Russ speak, it was a church tradition that when he said "He Has Risen" the church would reply "HE HAS RISEN IN DEED" it was just so touching and then you have Eric P. over to the left in the front always saying "MY MY MY" in his deep voice. (He added some color and spice to the service). I ALWAYS loved the worship part of the service, listen to the choir sing and joining in. It is always a day to remember when you attended a Sunday morning at the Church On Rush Creek (CRC).

So Sunday morning came bright and early for us this year, but I didn't mind that at all. This was our 3rd Easter together but our First that were we together in the same place for once, (my oh my the holidays are so much better with my boo home with me). We started the morning off with a game of Golf with a friend of Gabe's, Jason & his wife Ray. Boy was this right up his alley. Gabe loves to play Golf and was so excited. Me on the other hand I have never played before and really had no desire to play at all, but I was going to suck it up and show him I could do this. So off we went. We got to the course a bit early to practice at the driving range, a bit nervous I didn't do to bad once I got the hang of things.





We had 18 holes ahead of us and I didn't know how I was going to manage, there were so many different clubs to choose from. Depending on were your ball was depended on the one you use. (I was always asking Gabe which one to use each time hee hee). After the first 2 or 3 holes I was starting to warm up to it and of course having a blast. Gabe & I were team playing were we would switch of who it the ball each time. A good ways through the first half I was up, Getting set in place I took a swing but the ball was still there. My Love was standing there beside me and said "OMG you just hit a frog" I was like "were, no I didn't" and sure enough he point's it out to me. I did not even see it because it blended in with the leaves on the ground. WOW, that thing is huge I kinda freaked out for a bit and did a little dance and went back for a 2nd try. Mind you the stupid frog was still there right in front of my ball, I couldn't do it, it was creeping me out way to much so I handed off to Gabe.








Driving around the course on the carts we had so much fun and the company of the Steckman's was great. They are pretty good at the game, as well as Gabe. He sure dose have a good arm on him to get the ball down the course. Once again I was up getting ready to hit the ball on to the green and "WACK" (ok, I caught on really quick not to stand behind some on when they are up to Tee, so I figure Gabe having played Golf before was smart like that as well), Ha Ha, I guessed wrong.....I hit the ball and when I followed through with my swing I managed to hit Gabe right in the forehead. He was standing right behind me and I didn't realize it at all. I felt so bad because I know it had to hurt. Poor guy just turns around and says "I'm gonna go have a seat you can finish this whole :( ".

We finished out our 18 holes in about 4 hours and we did pretty well. I have to say I wouldn't mind going again. It was a great morning and minus the few minor mishaps.





We quickly rush home to shower, change and grab the dog as well as our yummy cupcakes we made the night before and headed off to Jamie & Anthony's house. We were getting together with them for a Sunday brunch, filled with Turkey, Ham, Beans, Mashed Potato's, Deviled Eggs, Corn Pudding and so much more. As well as a Easter egg hunt for the little kids.

The day was great, and for Gabe & I to be together sharing in the holiday with our friends was just the topping of the day. Even though I missed out on the Sunday service at CRC, I had a great Easter Sunday that I will remember for ever. We still dressed up in our Sunday best (for Hawaii that is). After loads of PS3 and some good laughs we headed home about 6 hours later. I was so beat, I could of passed out on the short 5 minute drive to the house.





What a day to remember. HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!!!!




"HE HAS RISEN"......and his people said "HE HAS RISEN IN DEED."