~FuNk~MaYbE???

Maybe its the deployment blues but I'm totally in a funk right now. I wake up in a semi ok mood but be time I make my way down stairs that mood has totally shifted. Maybe it's because for the past 2 weeks I would wake up & walk down stairs to Gabe & now he isn't here. Maybe its because in the evenings I didn't have to "think" about what I wanted for dinner because we would decide together & now I have to think about it. I had gotten use to seeing other couples together & it didn't bother me and well now it just makes me wanna puck. I enjoy my job but the people I work with are seriously getting under my skin with their nonstop comments on how we only have 3 months left to go. (alot can happen in 3 months, heck we lost 2 soldiers & 9 others were injured in the first 2 months of our deployment)
I'm really not trying to push people away but I'm so sick of the questions & the "oh it will be ok". It's kinda what I do though, it just seems easier to shut the door, not answer my phone & ignore everyone else. I almost want to just stay home on the weekends & watch movies with the pups. Then I don't have to deal with the outside world unless I want to. I'm tired of putting on a "happy face" showing that I am ok because well lets face it I'm not. I'm heart broken and feel completely empty with out my love here.
I have absolutely no appetite at all not that I did really before he came home for R&R but now I just don't at all. Sure I know I should eat but what and why when I'm not hungry.
One of the only things that I have kept up with is the house, that's because I'm completely anal about it. I hate clutter & things just laying around. The dishes are always done & put away same with the laundry. Everything has its place & when I'm down in the dumps or in a funk I clean and organize. So there has been a lot of that going on the last couple days. I even managed to finish the first step to one of my photo projects I have been working on so I'm quite happy about that.
Usually I try to make the most of my weekends & days that I have off work however the last few days I have done nothing. Its been kinda nice in a way but very lonely at the same time. I know I'm only doing it to myself but its my way of "coping". The couple days I had off work after Gabe went back I stayed home and watched movies or cleaned the house the whole time. Today I had plans to go get my nails done in the morning with a friend & then came home back to my bubble. Its my safe place right now were I can just be me and not have to be judged. A few of my girl friends went to Cheese Cake Factory last night for dinner & they pretty much had to bribe me to go with them. It was nice to get out but it was a bit much for me all at one time. I'm just having a hard time being sociable again with out having to put a act on.
We did get a bit of good news today and so I can only hope that it comes true. It's what is keeping me going, that and knowing the end is in sight. It might be semi far in sight but its there, I can see it and feel it as I see more & more of our closet doors.
I had to get out of the house this evening and clear my head. We tend to take a drive together on the weekends to just get out and take in whats around us. I grabbed my camera & headed to North Shore, no plans at all. Just going with the wind & seeing were it took me. I ended up making my way down to one of our favorite areas were we like to go off roading. With the radio up and the sun slowly starting to set in front of me I knew Dillingham was the perfect place to be. I sat there on a rock listening to the waves crashing against the beach. No cell phone, no ipad and no more radio just me and good old mother nature. For a moment I was able to close my eyes and just let it all go. Just for a moment I was able to forget about everything that had been filling my head. It was nice I only wish things could stay that peaceful as they were in that moment.


I can not wait till this is all over, this time after R&R has definitely been harder than the first time. I just want our life back to normal. Not that it really is living the military life but as normal as it gets for us would be nice.