about 2 weeks ago…..

I found out that my Mamaw was in the hospital on a breathing tube because she could not breath on her own. Back up a few hours…. she went in on Monday for what was suppose to be a day procedure only to last a couple hours and she's be on her way home. After the procedure was done she stopped berthing on her own and her heart rate and blood pressure dropped. The Doctors did CPR to revive her and bring her back to, which at that point she was still not breathing on her own but everything else seemed to be working fine. They had to insert a breathing tube and sudate her because she tried to pull the tub out when she was awake. My mom called me Monday evening when I got off work to tell me what was going on. I didn't really understand everything at first, she was in a medicated coma that the doctors were controlling. They were not sure if her lungs would be able to handle it and her breath on her own so they were waiting a couple days to see how she progressed. My heart was breaking my Mamaw is my EVERYTHING and I was thousands of miles away. My race weekend was coming up that weekend and our anniversary I had to run I've trained so hard, she would want me to run. (and I ran, more on that to come) The next couple of day's passed by and there were no changes, no progress but she hadn't got any worse either. Thursday afternoon rolled around and my brother called me from the hospital and said that they had taken Mamaw off the breathing machine and she was breathing on her own. Things were looking up but she still had a long road to go before she was going to be able to go home. We found out she had blood clots in her leg because she did not get enough circulation in them while at home due to her struggling with breathing. (back story: my mamas worked in a factory were they built helicopter's for the military, the chemicals ended up tearing up her lungs which ultimately caused her to retire early and ended in results of her being on full time oxygen at home.) I asked my brother if I could talk to Mamaw, I needed to hear her voice and tell her I loved her. He wasn't sure if I could because she was in ICU and there were signs posted every were "NO CELL PHONES". He told me he'd ask and call me back if I could. A couple minutes later I got a call from my mom, she said ok Mamaw has the phone to her ear…The conversation went like this… (as I'm trying with everything I have to hold back the tears) Me: I love you Mamaw, I love you." Mamaw: "I love you to" Me: "I miss you, I love you Mamaw." Mamaw: "I miss you to, you going to come see me?" Me: "Yes, I promise I'm going to come see you soon I promise soon I promise, I love you" Mamaw: "Ok I love you and miss you" Me: "You get better Mamaw I love you so much and I miss you I love you Mamaw." Mamaw: "I love you" Me: "I love you Mamaw bye". Her voice was so soft and faint from having the tub in her throat, they didn't want her talking much because it was so swollen. I asked my mom if Mamaw knew who was on the phone and Mamaw said "Tiffany". I was so relieved she knew it was me. Little did I know that would be the last time I ever talked to my Mamaw. I went on about my day so happy that things were looking up. I called the hubs in tears telling him I got to talk to Mamaw and he was so happy for me. Friday came and went everything was the same, they were running tests and monitoring her. Saturday I received a text message from my mom saying that they moved Mamaw down to the heart floor to monitor her there. She was out of ICU so that had to be a good thing right?!?!? Saturday I ran my race, though of her the whole time. Sunday we had company in town so we spend the day with them. Sunday night after they left I was cooking dinner when I got a call from my brother at 5:15pm. He had just spoke with our younger cousin who had told him that Mamaw had stopped breathing again and she was back on the breathing machine. I immediately called my mom to find out what happened. 5:22pm mom told me she was back on the breathing machine, she had stopped breathing again and they had to do CPR for about a minute to bring her back to. They were not sure what caused it but they were running tests to see what was going on. She told me as soon as she knew something she would call me back and let me know. 7:11pm I received worst phone call of my entire life. My mom called to tell me that my Mamaw had just passed away. I'll never ever in my life for get that moment. I some how was as calm as could be and asked her again as I was standing in the kitchen of our home "do what?" She began to explain to me what happen and before she got to far into it she passed the one to her cousin Gayla to tell me. I made my way up the stairs of our house were my husband was, I remember what my cousin said but I was in such a state of shock I didn't hear what she said. She passed the phone back to my mom and I immediately hung up and fell to the floor. The hubbs came out of the office and asked what happened. I couldn't breath I was crying so hard it hurt in my chest I wanted some one to pinch me and wake me up from this horrible nightmare. I laid their on the stairs of our house crying my eyes out gasping for breath. Mad at the World, Mad at God, Mad at the Doctors, Mad at the Army, Mad at Myself. There in that moment was the worst my husband had ever seen me. I simply could not compose myself, I didn't know how to function. I didn't know how life would go on. My husband stood there and rubbed my back he had no words, I cried and cried and cried. I replayed every memory over in my head. She was there for so much of my life... 27 years of it but I wanted more. I was / am selfish, she wasn't suffering any more, she wasn't in any more pain but I wanted more. I wanted another year, month, week, day, hour…JUST ONE MORE. Please God I asked WHY? Once I was able to gather myself some I looked up at the hubbs and said "she just wanted me to have kids, that's it. She'll never get to meet my kids they will never know the wonderful woman that she is" She was already a great-grandma to so many but not my child / children. He reminded me that she had been there for so much of my life and seen me through the past 27 years. He was right but for me it just was not enough, I still wanted more.

From that moment my life was for ever changed…………. to be continued…..