My heart races every times I sit and look back through the past 7 years and wonder "were was I??" Why wasn't I there to help make things different, tell him I loved him one more time. Showed more support when help was needed. Lended a hand when he was down and just needed someone to talk to. Maybe things wouldn't be this way, maybe we would have walked a different path and neither of us would have seen some of the things we have seen. I wouldn't be sitting here saying "I never though I would see you here." I still get emotional over the entire situation every time I talk about it, when I get a letter in the mail, see a picture, go through a Holiday. The though of something happening and him not being there. The only person I really talk to about whole situation is my husband. He's the only one that knows what all has gone on and has been there from the beginning almost. He gets it because in a way he has been there himself wish, is crazy because if you knew him you'd never know. He's the only one that I can talk to about it and completely opened up and cry my eyes out about it and some how he manages to make it all better in a matter of moments. Although I know what he is going to say before he says it and I know its true, it doesn't make today any easier. Nothing will ever make days like today any easier. They just plain SUCK and there is no beating around the bush about it. I don't know that I will have another day like today, I pray to God I don't. But at the same time that means not being able to be there for several months. Living in limbo not knowing, thinking about how "good" I have it and knowing what others are going through. Sure they put themselves there but that doesn't mean it's ok, they chose this path in life but no body really wants it. No body asks to have their spouse deployed, no body says hey "I don't care if my loved one comes home from a deployment." Life just doesn't work that way. If we all got what we asked for there would never be fear in life, we would all be millionaires and living life in a perfect bubble with out a care in the world.
How do you make it through the ruff times in life, the ones that your not ready to share with the world but you need to get it out there, because your breaking inside it hurts so bad. I tend to hold things in a lot and I know that's not the best way but my love is the only one I can trust with my deepest darkest thoughts, stories, secrets, fears, excitements, dreams. I never though I would be here in life, sitting here after having a day like today. Having to go through what I went through today. I never though I would walk this path, I wouldn't change it for one bit but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't do things differently. Just maybe the out come would be a little different and it wouldn't be so hard.
We are so close I know we can do this, we have all come this far and we can't give up now. This is when he needs us the most. The days drag, the nights creep by and the time seems to never move. The moments before a home coming seem like the longest moments I've ever lived and now I'm going through it all over again. I HATE IT!!!!! I wanted to hold on and never let go, I wanted just one more minute. Is that to much to ask for??? Really!!!!
I never though I would were I am today in life.
There isn't a story book or manual that we have to follow, no one to tell us to "pass go & collect $200". There isn't anyone to hold our hand and walk us through the fire when its burning. When we fall as adults we have to learn how we got down on the ground and then from there we have to get back up. On our own, we got there we can fix it, so sure its not easy. No one said it ever would be.
I never though I would have to do this again today, not after 7 years.