Sunday, October 7, 2012

I never though.........life

I never though I'd be here today......were I am, I mean. I never though I'd be a army spouse, who's lived in 3 different states now. Married to someone I met over the phone with in less than a year. I never though I'd have to send my husband off to war not once but twice. I never though I would have to fear him coming home, or hearing of our friends spouses never coming home again. I never imagined it would be so hard to move away from such an amazing place and awesome friends but it was. I never though I would hate change so much, or just the simple fact of how hard it is. I never though adjusting to living some were new would be so hard. I never though things would happen the way they do / did. I still don't understand it all and I probably never will. I can sit here and try to process it over and over in my head but I don't think it will make things any easier. What is done is done, what happened happened and there is no going back. No changing it, there's no redo's in life. As much as sometimes I wish there were, we I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for the things I've been through, experienced and seen. I know its only made me stronger. It doesn't mean that it made today any easier, mistakes that others make affect us all. Although the people / loved ones do not necessarily think of how it will effect their loved ones when they make the mistake. I truly do not think they mean to do it with the intentions of hurting someone. Its a lesson learned, a hard one some times. One that many will have to live with for the rest of their life. Moments like today I will cherish for ever, because I never wont to have to relive them again. It sounds odd but if you knew the whole situation it would make more since. (I'm not quite ready to share that though) I believe in second chances and think that everyone deserves one. By no means am I perfect nor is my husband. We have our fair share of moments / screw ups and that's life. But you know what neither of us have turned our back on each other and I'm not about to do that now or ever.
My heart races every times I sit and look back through the past 7 years and wonder "were was I??" Why wasn't I there to help make things different, tell him I loved him one more time. Showed more support when help was needed. Lended a hand when he was down and just needed someone to talk to. Maybe things wouldn't be this way, maybe we would have walked a different path and neither of us would have seen some of the things we have seen. I wouldn't be sitting here saying "I never though I would see you here." I still get emotional over the entire situation every time I talk about it, when I get a letter in the mail, see a picture, go through a Holiday. The though of something happening and him not being there. The only person I really talk to about whole situation is my husband. He's the only one that knows what all has gone on and has been there from the beginning almost. He gets it because in a way he has been there himself wish, is crazy because if you knew him you'd never know. He's the only one that I can talk to about it and completely opened up and cry my eyes out about it and some how he manages to make it all better in a matter of moments. Although I know what he is going to say before he says it and I know its true, it doesn't make today any easier. Nothing will ever make days like today any easier. They just plain SUCK and there is no beating around the bush about it. I don't know that I will have another day like today, I pray to God I don't. But at the same time that means not being able to be there for several months. Living in limbo not knowing, thinking about how "good" I have it and knowing what others are going through. Sure they put themselves there but that doesn't mean it's ok, they chose this path in life but no body really wants it. No body asks to have their spouse deployed, no body says hey "I don't care if my loved one comes home from a deployment." Life just doesn't work that way. If we all got what we asked for there would never be fear in life, we would all be millionaires and living life in a perfect bubble with out a care in the world.
How do you make it through the ruff times in life, the ones that your not ready to share with the world but you need to get it out there, because your breaking inside it hurts so bad. I tend to hold things in a lot and I know that's not the best way but my love is the only one I can trust with my deepest darkest thoughts, stories, secrets, fears, excitements, dreams. I never though I would be here in life, sitting here after having a day like today. Having to go through what I went through today. I never though I would walk this path, I wouldn't change it for one bit but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't do things differently. Just maybe the out come would be a little different and it wouldn't be so hard.
We are so close I know we can do this, we have all come this far and we can't give up now. This is when he needs us the most. The days drag, the nights creep by and the time seems to never move. The moments before a home coming seem like the longest moments I've ever lived and now I'm going through it all over again. I HATE IT!!!!! I wanted to hold on and never let go, I wanted just one more minute. Is that to much to ask for??? Really!!!!

I never though I would were I am today in life. 

There isn't a story book or manual that we have to follow, no one to tell us to "pass go & collect $200". There isn't anyone to hold our hand and walk us through the fire when its burning. When we fall as adults we have to learn how we got down on the ground and then from there we have to get back up. On our own, we got there we can fix it, so sure its not easy. No one said it ever would be. 

I never though I would have to do this again today, not after 7 years. 

9 comments:

Kristina from Everything Changes said...

..I have no idea what you are going through, love. But know that I'm here. And I'll pray for you. And my thoughts are with you this morning.... XO

Jamie said...

Sending positive thoughts your way.

Colby said...

I hope everything is ok?! I am here to listen if you need...

Kate @ Daffodils said...

O girl, hope everything is okay!! Hang in there!

*Katie* said...

*hug*

Trying To Be Who I Am said...

Thinking about and praying for you! *hugs*

Randi said...

hugs!!! I too am an Army wife, and some days it just sucks!

Janna Renee said...

I hope that everything is working itself out! This post makes my heart ache for you! Just remember we are all here for you {{Hugs}}

E said...

Sending you some positive thoughts, virtual hugs, and aloha, in hopes that whatever you're going through, becomes easier and better with time.