Sunday, December 25, 2011

letting it out

I've had a lot on my mind lately and its really eating me up, I don't know when or if I'll ever post this. However I figured instead of it continually stabbing me in the heart I'd put it in words & maybe that would help. Get it off my chest if you will.
Have you ever had that one person that just rubbed you the wrong way. They may have never really done anything "to you." But yet you just can't seemed to really "get them." Once I get to know you I am pretty open, honest and will do just about anything for my friends. If we don't click we don't and just go our way from there. It does take me a while to really open up to someone, trust them & be myself around them but once I do there is that potential for a life long friendship. The road my not always be a walk in the park but there is always a shining star at the end. There is just this one person that for one reason or another (that I've yet to figure out) I just can't bring myself to click with. We aren't even in the same state so it's not like I have to see or interact with them yet it still gets me down.
I can't seem to put into words my feelings or reasoning, all I know is it really gets to me. I'm not sure if this person even knows how much it hurts me. I know things will only get harder over the next 2-3 years and still there wont be anything I can do about it. I suppose I just have to stay strong, be myself and continue to show the people I carry close to my heart the reasons I love them and why they are so special to me. In hopes that, that will keep us together, keep the knots tight with out any loose strings.
I'm not sure if its because we have been at our new duty station for a bit now and I've still yet to make a single friend. Maybe it's because I'm not totally in love with the way things are here in SC and I'm letting that get to me and so I'm taking everything a bit more to heart. Then again these feelings aren't something that just came up. They have been there for a while now and I just continued to keep them to myself.
In the back of my head I tell myself that as long as I have Gabe in my life and we are together that's all I need. However I know that's not true, in a way it is but I still need my girls & I hope that they will always need me. Though distance may be between us or even separated by the deep blue sea the bonds we built I will always carry close to heart. Maybe its knowing and seeing that those people I hold close to me are also building bonds like we did with others. The fear of being forgotten, left out or replaced is what scares me the most.
What if I become not needed to them any more because they have someone else to turn to, you know since we aren't in the same place. Not being a part of there life as I have been for years will be devastating. Being the first person they turn to when something good or bad happens is a great feeling, what if they have a "new someone else" and I'm 2ND or last. I knew moving back to the Mainland would be hard but I had know clue it would have been this hard. Some days I wish we would have been able to stick with our first orders issued by the Army. Then we would be in OK close to the friends & family were now we are miles away from them. For some reason it seemed different in Hawaii I don't know what it was, maybe because it almost seemed to be a different world. Being back on the Mainland has been a big adjustment for me and its not setting well. Hawaii is home, we built such a wonderful life there & made some fabulous friends. Some of those friends that I know we will always be there for each other, the best of friends and then others were we may drift apart over time. That's life as much as it hurts and as hard as it is there's nothing we can do about it.
I can only hope as things continue on over the next few years that I don't allow this person to get me down. I can't let this person walk over me or the relationships I've built. I can't say that I will ever really let this person into my life. I think what is done is history, I can only move on from here. I can forgive and forget but something things are beyond that, even if there was never anything "done" in my heart I feel as if there was.
You know that moment when your in Jr. High or High school, you find out your classmate who you though was a "friend" turns out to seal your best friend or your boy friend the minute you were no longer in the same class. All along they said that's not what they were trying to do they have a BF of their own but bam the second you were no longer in the picture they stepped in and were quite to take your place. It's heart breaking, almost like a piece of you is missing now.

I have many people in my life I would call "friends" but I have fewer people in my life that I would call "true friends". You know the ones that will ALWAYS be there for you no matter...... how long its been since you have seen each other, talked to one another, the miles between you. Your true friends are the ones that will be there when you are at your worst and tell you, you look beautiful. Your friends will be there to get you & them to the next day. I feel that I have figured out who is who in my world. I have to say I'm grateful for each and everyone of them and I have grown and learned a lot from both sides.

As I was sitting here blogging this evening I received a text from a friend who sadly enough for her can relate as well. And is in the same situation that I am, this person said it really simple by saying "I think I will always be jealous of people that get to spend time with my family & friends". Maybe that's just it I'm just jealous that this person gets to spend time with someone I can't. It's the price we pay living the army life with the one we love.


Whit said...

I'm glad you shared this. And I'm glad I ran into your site. I hope that we could be great blog friends as time goes on. :)

Always an email away.

Sarah said...

There are some people that you will not click with & that is perfectly fine. Do NOT let this person get to you. & it is also fine that you are jealous that they get to spend time with someone you love. That just shows you are human and really Carr about that said person.

When I first met you I knew you would be hard to get to know. However, you are the beat relationship that I have in my life right now, besides my husband. You are always there for me, even when he couldn't be you were and still are by my side. You just have to have faith and trust that any relationship you have with someone is real and both people will put their all into the relationship. And if they don't I'm not sure they value the relationship as much as you do and need to be cut.

As for you, yes you are a very trusting friend. You put a lot into your relationships. And in my opinion too much in a certain one who walks all over you & says awful things that aren't true. I know who you are & you would never compromise a friendship with someone you care about. And if they were a true friend they would know that too and not question you like they have and upset you deeply. & yet you still apologize when you were never in the wrong because you care enough about that friendship you'd be the bigger person in that situation. You are an amazing person.

I love you spouse and would do anything for you. You are my best friend. I wouldn't know what I would do without you in my life. Don't EVER forget that. I love you!

❈ Annie - Blonde Glambition ❈ said...

Having to live far from your loved ones is one of the hardest parts of military life, especially when you've developed such deep/close bonds with people only to have to move away from them. When you move it's like starting all over again, all while the life you've just left continues on without you there.

One lesson learned from my past experiences would be to communicate your feelings with your friends. It's so easy to shut down and internalize your worries and heartache, especially since it can be scary to be that open and vulnerable. I'm guilty of this myself a time or two, but it's always helped when I've shared my feelings with my loved ones even if it's taken me a while to do so. It's never too late to share your feelings. Even the closest of people don't always realize when a loved one is of the downsides to being geographically separated. It may also help to share your feelings with the other person who is getting you down that way you get a chance to have your feelings & voice heard.

New people will come into your loved one's lives (as well as yours), but no one can ever replace the spot you have in their heart because no one is you. Try not to let your worry place doubt in your can be so easy to let this happen. Long distance relationships are not easy and often have a few bumps in the road, but it's all worth it in the end if the relationship is real, genuine, and loving.

I wish I could take this pain away for you. If only moving were easier and you could just take all of your friends and family with you each time...wouldn't that be awesome?!?! But since that's not a possibility at least there's the internet for webchats & email and cell phones. Where would we be without modern technology? We'd be so far behind on one another's lives that's for sure!

Hang in there, chickadee!! I'm confident that in time you will find a few new friends in SC. And maybe you'll even be able to squeeze in a few trips here and there to visit friends and family out of state. I know that traveling definitely helps with my moving/separation blues. I'm always here if you need to chat :)

lilmoomoo said...

I'm sorry you're upset & having a hard time with this person / situation. I can only compare it to how I feel when my friends get to see each other and hang out, and now I don't know about it, or can't be there with them and feel left out! (when I'm the reason they know each other!) I think it's just CHANGE. Change is always hard and never fun to get used to! :(
Once again- I'm sorry you're feeling hurt by all of it!
Just remember you've got your bloggy friends out here too who will let you vent until you don't have anything else to say!!! Haha :)
Keep your head up, it will get better!